Being Alone

I figured something out today. I'm afraid to be alone. The other day I called my ex-boyfriend from years ago. One I know that is detrimental to my emotional health, one I cannot trust with anything least of all me. He is narcissistic, manipulative and a cheat. But in his way he loves me and I know I can get the attention I have been craving. My current friend who has occupied my head and heart since my split has become busy. No time for me. It's not his fault he's working and I am not for an instant angry with him for that, but this has left me alone. He has not been able to give me the attention I have been craving. At first I was angry with him, as my past post implies, but after some time and he's had more time to open up to me again I have a better understanding of the pressure (to put it mildly) that he has been under. However, this still left me with a void. Wondering why I never seem to be enough for the guys I fall for. So I go back to my staple. Back to what I know. Back to someone I know loves me in his way. I call him we talk for 10 min the whole time I realize that he can't give me answers, that I am looking into trying to get what I need from the wrong place. What I need is to look inside myself. I am the only person that can answer why I am never enough for the guys I fall in love with.

What it is though is that I need to learn to be comfortable being alone. I don't have to like it, I just have to accept it and be comfortable with it. I am hoping that with that I will stop looking to others to fill my needs. That I will be able to  find what I need within myself.

Here I go. Wish me luck!

My Life

I find myself sitting in my new basement suite listening to the silence, missing my son terribly. Its only been one day but its hard. I think the hardest thing about my separation so far is the sharing of my son. It kills me to not see him for 3 days. It kills me to know that I will miss some firsts as will my ... (what to you call your husband who is not quite your ex-husband... an almost-ex?). This little boy magically become my end all be all. Even with the fighting, and yelling. The kitchen stand-offs with a 2-year-old are great fun. “Clean up your trains please” with a firm “NO!” in response then it goes from there, ending with my son normally whimpering as I make him put each piece into his train box. The bedtime fights, the bath-time fights, the nap-time fights. The relief when he finally goes to sleep. Then the moment his dad picks him up, I am sad, counting down the moments till he’s back.

I had a mom the other day tell me how it must be nice knowing that I get a few days to myself. Funny there was a point when I thought that it would be nice too. Now I know the reality, it’s nice for about 2 or 3 hours then it sucks. I know your likely thinking “if this is so hard then why not work it out with your almost-ex”. That ones tricky. He is a good guy however we don't work. I wish we could have worked as no-one gets married, has a baby and buys a house hoping to get divorced but once all that happened we changed. We 180’d in opposite directions and became people who did not get along. Our only common ground was our son as we both love him with everything we have but that was it. And unfortunately that wasn’t enough to make us happy, and all of us (my almost-ex, my son and I) all deserve to be happy and living in a happy household. I was not going to have my son grow up in a situation where we stayed together because of him but be surrounded by tension and anger and parents who didn’t speak.

So here I am blogging away only 27 hours left to go!