They're back!!

So before I met and married my almost-ex I had 4 holes in each ear, a belly button ring and a tongue stud.

My fav was the tongue stud. I got it when i was 19, it was really the first thing I truly did for myself, not caring what anyone thought. Especially my parents. Yes, it was my little rebellion.

I had that baby for 10 years. Then at 29 I gave birth. Going into the hospital I had to take out all my jewellery including my stud. I handed them to my husband expecting them to be returned post delivery. Silly me, thinking he would actually do it. See he hated my piercings. So 4 days later when I was coming out of my post delivery, new baby, no sleep daze I remember. He never gave me back my stud! By now it was too late as it had already grown in, so I ask him why he didn't give me back my jewelry. "I was hoping you'd forget about them". So I lost my favorite piercing, something that I was proud of, that was a part of me simply because my ex didn't like it, looking back it was not his decision to make. I have always missed it. Two years later I still go to play with the ghost of the stud, always disappointed that its not there.

Sat night I decided, screw it. Who cares if I'm 31, a mom, wear a suit to work (all reasons my ex had put into my head). I'm getting it back. So I packed up my son, called my friend and off the 3 of us went at 6 pm to get mommy some new jewelry. We went to the only place I could think of close to my house. My friend waits outside with my son because I don't know how I feel about taking him into a tattoo parlor. They were about to close but he still agreed to do it for me :) Yay! I'm a little excited now. My friend was going to take my son for a walk but he has to go pee so inside the store I take him. What a wonderful bunch of guys! They all say hi, pay attention to him, and even get him paper and pencils so he can sit up and draw at the desk with one of the artists just like he was! It was awesome.

Now it's my turn. Have I mentioned I hate needles, yes I know then why the hell am I doing this, again? Well because it was a part of me,  a part I didn't make the choice to give up. So here I am lying on the table as this guy is about to stick a needle and barbell through my tongue. I start to hum (I always hum when I'm nervous or when needles are involved, I hummed the entire time I got my tattoo too). He giggles at me then "whoop" all done! That's it, 30 seconds later and we're finished. I go out front and my son and friend are sitting playing with random Lego men and things the guys could find for him. He's in heaven!

Now here I am happy and feeling more like myself than I have in years. It's really funny how something so small and insignificant seems to be tied into my finally feeling a little more like me and less like the wife I had become.

Being Alone

I figured something out today. I'm afraid to be alone. The other day I called my ex-boyfriend from years ago. One I know that is detrimental to my emotional health, one I cannot trust with anything least of all me. He is narcissistic, manipulative and a cheat. But in his way he loves me and I know I can get the attention I have been craving. My current friend who has occupied my head and heart since my split has become busy. No time for me. It's not his fault he's working and I am not for an instant angry with him for that, but this has left me alone. He has not been able to give me the attention I have been craving. At first I was angry with him, as my past post implies, but after some time and he's had more time to open up to me again I have a better understanding of the pressure (to put it mildly) that he has been under. However, this still left me with a void. Wondering why I never seem to be enough for the guys I fall for. So I go back to my staple. Back to what I know. Back to someone I know loves me in his way. I call him we talk for 10 min the whole time I realize that he can't give me answers, that I am looking into trying to get what I need from the wrong place. What I need is to look inside myself. I am the only person that can answer why I am never enough for the guys I fall in love with.

What it is though is that I need to learn to be comfortable being alone. I don't have to like it, I just have to accept it and be comfortable with it. I am hoping that with that I will stop looking to others to fill my needs. That I will be able to  find what I need within myself.

Here I go. Wish me luck!

My Life

I find myself sitting in my new basement suite listening to the silence, missing my son terribly. Its only been one day but its hard. I think the hardest thing about my separation so far is the sharing of my son. It kills me to not see him for 3 days. It kills me to know that I will miss some firsts as will my ... (what to you call your husband who is not quite your ex-husband... an almost-ex?). This little boy magically become my end all be all. Even with the fighting, and yelling. The kitchen stand-offs with a 2-year-old are great fun. “Clean up your trains please” with a firm “NO!” in response then it goes from there, ending with my son normally whimpering as I make him put each piece into his train box. The bedtime fights, the bath-time fights, the nap-time fights. The relief when he finally goes to sleep. Then the moment his dad picks him up, I am sad, counting down the moments till he’s back.

I had a mom the other day tell me how it must be nice knowing that I get a few days to myself. Funny there was a point when I thought that it would be nice too. Now I know the reality, it’s nice for about 2 or 3 hours then it sucks. I know your likely thinking “if this is so hard then why not work it out with your almost-ex”. That ones tricky. He is a good guy however we don't work. I wish we could have worked as no-one gets married, has a baby and buys a house hoping to get divorced but once all that happened we changed. We 180’d in opposite directions and became people who did not get along. Our only common ground was our son as we both love him with everything we have but that was it. And unfortunately that wasn’t enough to make us happy, and all of us (my almost-ex, my son and I) all deserve to be happy and living in a happy household. I was not going to have my son grow up in a situation where we stayed together because of him but be surrounded by tension and anger and parents who didn’t speak.

So here I am blogging away only 27 hours left to go!