Sunday, September 26, 2010

How much can you take?

How much can one person take? That is the question of the day. I feel as though I have been fighting back a nervous breakdown for the last few weeks. It's there bubbling under the surface. I can't concentrate, I can’t sleep. My patience is at an all time low.

I've spent most of my life putting my needs behind everyone else’s. When does that stop? What I needed more than anything this past week was a friend. A particular friend, the one who has been a shoulder for me through my split. Problem is that he wasn't there and I couldn't ask because once again I had to put someone else's needs before mine (this is about the only time that someone had a decent excuse). I wanted to scream that I wanted one night, one night of connection, hell one phone call where I didn't feel as though I was the pest. I just wanted to feel appreciated and wanted. I'm surrounded by hate. My ex-husband hates me. There is no other word for it and that hate is clearly visible in every interaction we have. Last week I was served or so I thought by him. He handed me a bunch of papers telling me it’s for the house but it name me as an opposing party, asks me for all my financial information and tells me to get independent council. NO explanation, no nothing. What would you think, excuse me for being naive but my brain goes right to he's lawyered up and now it’s my turn. I finally got into see the lawyer and he explained everything to me and it was better but still. This is not uncommon for my ex, to not explain things or even tell me what is going on. Even during our divorce I'm still the one trying to keep everything together. I'm still planning daycare and our schedules, I'm the one who makes sure my son has winter clothes, that everything is packed when he picks him up and etc. He is currently on vacation with our son. The second time since July. I miss my son terribly, so much it hurts. I cry myself to sleep almost every night since he left. On top of all this a bomb is dropped on me. A person who has been my support tells they need space. Then the next day apologizes and tells me he's sorry. Problem is that one sentence was the equivalent of an emotional atomic bomb. I'm barely holding myself together as is and then that. Now I've been in limbo for the last week with no idea what to expect when the dust settles. Again putting my needs aside, waiting for yet another person to decide for me how my life is going to play out. Is fate taking the decision-making out of my hands because I have not made good decisions in the past?

What is next in store for me, I'm scared to ask. I don't know how much more I can take. Crying and breakdowns are becoming the norm for me. My family expects me to go to their place (an 8 hour drive with my son) for thanksgiving. I never thought about not going as it’s a birthday/thanksgiving gathering and we have never missed it however honestly it is the last thing I want to do. I need out of the city, yes, but what I NEED is time away with just my son. Away from everyone and everything that needs something from me and/or feels the need to tell me what I should be doing. Even my cats are on the take from me bandwagon. I can't sit down without one of them in my face.

How do I stop it? How do I get my ex-husband to back off, to stop pushing me until I crack (which by the way is what he is doing). I’m trying to be nice. To smile, to not let him get the better of me but there really isn't much armor left. What do I say to my friend? Is he in? Is he out? I want him to be in more than almost anything but only if he wants to be. My family, I go to them for support and advice but how do I draw the line between advice and them telling me what to do?

I feel like for the last few weeks I've been in a nosedive and no matter how hard I pull back on the joystick I can’t pull out.