June Cleaver?... not I

 I started this to vent to let other mothers know that they are not alone. The more I talked to other mothers the more I realized that the things that I was most upset about and felt horrible about they were feeling as well. Just the fact that I wasn't living up to June Cleavers standard of motherhood and wifedom made me feel like I was failing. The fact that I had very few friends with kids (only one beat me by 7 months) I was left to find out alot of things on my own. My friend also helped calm many frantic phone calls almost always by just saying me too. So here I am writing to whomever feels like reading this to let you know me too!

Why is it that women are expected to live up to standards set by a time that is no longer relevant. Hell, June Cleaver wasn't even June Cleaver without some help (like script writers, hair and make-up artists, prop people). So why is it that society seems to expect us to continue on without hollywoods help. Even when I was staying at home I couldn't get everything done let alone now when I'm working 3-5 days a week. Why is it that dad's are praised for showing up and women are still expected to do everything else.

So here I am a self proclaimed 'anit-mom, or "bad" mother, or whatever you want to call me but I sure as hell am not June Cleaver (just ask my husband... lol). I do my best but refuse to feel bad if I don't clean the kitchen everynight, if I don't get all the laundry done, if I don't cook a proper dinner everynight. (KD anyone?)

So all "bad" mothers unite!!! Hold you heads up high and look society right in the eye and say F U!

Couple of my fav pics!

A trip to Grand Forks to visit my fam. Here are a couple of my favorite pictures!

Monkey would have stayed outside all day!!

That's all for today! Just felt like posting some pics!

The parental 180

Its funny how much things change. How the things I thought I'd do are not an option and things I swore I would never do are now a staple in my life.

When my husband and I first got pregnant we had the talks. The spanking talk, the co-sleeping talk, breast-feeding talks etc. We agreed on everything. We both believed in spanking (let me clarify that this is not beating on your child but a tap on the bum when they are unruly). Co-sleeping was not an option not only were we scared we would roll onto Boomers in our sleep but we didn't want to give up our bed.

Then Booms arrived and everything changed. I discovered how great it was to be able to sleep and feed in bed, then he got sick and could only sleep mostly upright then something else happened and to be honest we miss him on the rare occasion he does sleep in his crib. Now starting next month, 1 year later, we are going to start weaning him out of our bed and into his own, only because space is tight and he is a busy sleeper we will both miss waking up with him there.

Spanking went out the window pretty quick.  All he learns is anger = hitting. I tried explaining this to my mother (who spanked all her kids) and told her not to spank him. Then she did it one day. I got mad and re-explained our reasons. The very next day my little man proved my point to my mother. He walked into the stove got mad and hit it. We went from "what's wrong with kids today is they weren't spanked... to "we do not hit our children".  There we are doing a complete 180.

These are just 2 example of how things are so totally different from we thought.

How WE are so totally different from what we were.

My Favorite Posting

I still remember when I first received this. Reading the forwarded email. The problem is that it just keep becoming more and more relevant. I find it kind of sad.

C.S you are missed and I will forever hold you in my heart and keep hoping that you will re-appear.

Click to read the obituary for C.S. The Death of Common Sense

They teach you too! Who knew?!

Learning from my child. Never for one second did I think I knew it all but I was pretty sure I had my shit together. Then I had a little boy. Not only did I realize fast that I knew NOTHING but I most defiantly did not have my shit together and what I did have together was blown apart. He has turned my life upside down, inside out and backwards. And I love it (most of the time).

I figured you had kids and you teach them how to be a better person than you are. Teach them morals and good values. Love, respect etc but I never thought about how much he would teach me. My monkey turns 1 year soon and in an amazingly short time he has not only taught me things about myself (like just how little sleep I need over an extended period of time), but he has taught me new ways to view the world. A tree is not a tree it is this amazing curiosity, grass, rocks, other people are all things to meet and explore. He also is making me a better person. My please and thank yous are through the roof! My swearing is down. Patience is at an all-time high (if it were a muscle I would be Hercules!). Hell, my husband even used the word frick today on the phone. I almost thought I misheard him.

This is a by-product of parenting I never expected, but will love and enjoy it while we stop at every rock, inspect the 10 millionth pine cone (deep breath) and wave at everyone around us.

Identity Crisis

Here I am. In the middle of a professional identity crisis. My current paying job is great. I run my families business with almost no boundaries. Just the occasional check in with my dad (the true owner). I enjoy my job. However it is not in a industry that I love. Actually it's not even an industry I like. But, I love my job. I love the freedom. The hours, the pay, the challenge. However, I have found that since my monkey made his entrance into my world I have been losing my focus. Then I started a home based business that I love. That I am proud of but that I do not have the finances or time to expand or even really develop.

My question is what do I do? I mean I guess I know what I have to do. Family comes first in every way. Meaning that I have to keep working, not only to satisfy my dad but to keep my own family unit going. With an 11 month old at home and the hope of one day buying a house this is not the time to start my own business. I admire my dad as he took a chance with more on the line than I have. He quit a high paying job to start his own business(s), he worked hard (understatement) and now it's my turn.

Ah one day. One day maybe we will be in a place where I can truly push my love. Where I can develop my product line.

I think that is it. I am torn between who I am and who I want to be. I think I will have to stay with who I am and put who I want to be on the back burner for awhile. It can simmer away and I can make contacts that maybe one day will help me but I have to re-focus on my current company. I have let the bar slip down and I need to catch it before it falls.

Tomorrow is back to work for me, full boar. Get things going!

Decision made, crisis over.

Swimming and Songs

I don't get it. I'm sure there has been a tone of research done and I'm sure all the scientists are right but why does everything that has to do with babies include songs?

We went to gymboree great idea, super hippy instructor. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against hippies... I have even been called one here and there. But she was that singsongy, did too much acid in the 60's, hippie. Even my son looked at her like she was crazy. We did our one class and that was it. I discovered that he doesn't do structure well. And at 11 months old I do not expect my monkey to sit and listen and sing along in a room full of slides and toys. I also discovered that he most definitely is one of the busiest kids I know. He lapped the other kids (an understatement I was almost at a run to keep up with him form spot to spot) and getting him to sit in a circle.. good freakin luck!  If you could take out the structure (sit and sing opening song, 10 min on slides, sit in circle sing more, play with parachute while singing more songs, sit back in circle sing more songs... all in 45 min) and maybe have an opening song then let them go ater with the stuff then I'd go back but trying to get him to do the right thing at the right time... not a chance at 11 months! So no more gymboree for us.

Then we went to swimming. Again with the songs! Seriously my monkey just looks at the instructor like she's crazy. I get what he's thinking.... why are we sitting here singing songs let's get going woman! Once we started moving around he was great but every-time we stopped to sing a song I was the one with the squirmy guy.

Don't get me wrong. I am all about music, monkey gets exposed to all types pretty much on a constant basis. I sing him to sleep (well hum). My hubby pays the guitar and sings to him and he loves it. We sing around the house, in the car everywhere. But why does every baby class we go to have to be full of songs? He has to sit there on my lap singing wheels on the bus or something while all the fun toys taunt him from afar.

Another warning I forgot to put in I am very bad at ending. I could ramble on for ever so instead of thinking of a witty conclusion I will just finish with...

That's all for now.

1 year old well almost

Everyone tells you that the first year after you have a baby goes fast so enjoy it. You respond the same way you do to all unsolicited advice.. ya ya I know. But holy shit you have no idea. Fast is an understatement. It's more like a blink. 

Just under a year ago I was screaming in the delivery room that I can't do this make it stop (ha ha I'm such a wuss) and then I blinked. Now I have a little walking man, with personality, emotions, wants. Wow. Already he doesn't want to be cuddled as much. Already he won't do things if they are too babyish for him. 

The bath was a prime example. One day he started screaming bloody murder when I went to give him a bath. It was totally out of the blue. The night before he was giggling and splashing, loving his bath. The next night I went to put him in his little chair in the tub and it sounded like I was torturing him. This went on for about a week. I ended up taking baths with him or my hubby would take him in the shower because then he wouldn't scream. Then genius struck and I tried putting him in the tub without the baby seat. No problem. Not even a whimper. He was back to splashing and giggling. I have racked my brain and the only answer I can come up with is he had outgrown his baby seat. That is just one example, of many, of how he is growing up. 

I'm sure the next time I blink he will be 16 and on his way out with the car while I give whatever tramp he is with the stink eye from the living room. How will I convince him to cuddle up with me then? Will I still be the center of his world?

No one ever tells you about how hard it is to be the one watching your kids grow up. Good god, listen to me after 11 months... wait until he actually turns 16.

No sleep for the blogger.

So here I am it's 12:34 am. I am so tired I can barley see but I can't seem to put away my computer.

My first blog. The pressure. What do I write about? Must have witty title. Fail 2 for 2. Oh well.

As I have stated this is my first blog ever. That's right people FIRST ONE EVER. I know where have I been? Welcome to the 21st century. I do feel though that my blog should come with a warning. Actually a few warnings. First my typing sucks. Funny for someone who spends a lot of time at a computer my typing is really bad and spell check does not always catch everything. So I apologize ahead for any errors. Not only does my spelling suck but so does my grammar, again apologies.

I am not overly funny, I really am not well written but, I am honest. I swear I can't lie. My mother still laughs at me to this day and loves telling stories of my pathetic lying attempts as a kid "she would go red and stutter". So I gave up, honesty is the best policy any ways I don't have the memory or energy to keep track of lies.

I decided to start this for 2 reasons. One was to see what the fuss was about. I will admit I'm having fun setting this all up. I like learning new things. Second was to give me an outlet to write about my days, a diary. I have never really kept one. I am more the sporadic writer, not always making sense (I once covered an airplane barf bag with just the words fuck you all over it, I was a little angry... can you swear on here? Guess I"ll find out). I'm not expecting anyone to read this or follow this but if you are and you do thanks! Nice seeing you.

Well I've rambled enough and really it is time for me to sleep. So I will sign off for the night and say welcome to my blog "the adventures of the non blogger".

Kim