Saturday, October 23, 2010

Being Alone

I figured something out today. I'm afraid to be alone. The other day I called my ex-boyfriend from years ago. One I know that is detrimental to my emotional health, one I cannot trust with anything least of all me. He is narcissistic, manipulative and a cheat. But in his way he loves me and I know I can get the attention I have been craving. My current friend who has occupied my head and heart since my split has become busy. No time for me. It's not his fault he's working and I am not for an instant angry with him for that, but this has left me alone. He has not been able to give me the attention I have been craving. At first I was angry with him, as my past post implies, but after some time and he's had more time to open up to me again I have a better understanding of the pressure (to put it mildly) that he has been under. However, this still left me with a void. Wondering why I never seem to be enough for the guys I fall for. So I go back to my staple. Back to what I know. Back to someone I know loves me in his way. I call him we talk for 10 min the whole time I realize that he can't give me answers, that I am looking into trying to get what I need from the wrong place. What I need is to look inside myself. I am the only person that can answer why I am never enough for the guys I fall in love with.

What it is though is that I need to learn to be comfortable being alone. I don't have to like it, I just have to accept it and be comfortable with it. I am hoping that with that I will stop looking to others to fill my needs. That I will be able to  find what I need within myself.

Here I go. Wish me luck!