Saturday, August 21, 2010

My Life

I find myself sitting in my new basement suite listening to the silence, missing my son terribly. Its only been one day but its hard. I think the hardest thing about my separation so far is the sharing of my son. It kills me to not see him for 3 days. It kills me to know that I will miss some firsts as will my ... (what to you call your husband who is not quite your ex-husband... an almost-ex?). This little boy magically become my end all be all. Even with the fighting, and yelling. The kitchen stand-offs with a 2-year-old are great fun. “Clean up your trains please” with a firm “NO!” in response then it goes from there, ending with my son normally whimpering as I make him put each piece into his train box. The bedtime fights, the bath-time fights, the nap-time fights. The relief when he finally goes to sleep. Then the moment his dad picks him up, I am sad, counting down the moments till he’s back.

I had a mom the other day tell me how it must be nice knowing that I get a few days to myself. Funny there was a point when I thought that it would be nice too. Now I know the reality, it’s nice for about 2 or 3 hours then it sucks. I know your likely thinking “if this is so hard then why not work it out with your almost-ex”. That ones tricky. He is a good guy however we don't work. I wish we could have worked as no-one gets married, has a baby and buys a house hoping to get divorced but once all that happened we changed. We 180’d in opposite directions and became people who did not get along. Our only common ground was our son as we both love him with everything we have but that was it. And unfortunately that wasn’t enough to make us happy, and all of us (my almost-ex, my son and I) all deserve to be happy and living in a happy household. I was not going to have my son grow up in a situation where we stayed together because of him but be surrounded by tension and anger and parents who didn’t speak.

So here I am blogging away only 27 hours left to go!


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