My Life

I find myself sitting in my new basement suite listening to the silence, missing my son terribly. Its only been one day but its hard. I think the hardest thing about my separation so far is the sharing of my son. It kills me to not see him for 3 days. It kills me to know that I will miss some firsts as will my ... (what to you call your husband who is not quite your ex-husband... an almost-ex?). This little boy magically become my end all be all. Even with the fighting, and yelling. The kitchen stand-offs with a 2-year-old are great fun. “Clean up your trains please” with a firm “NO!” in response then it goes from there, ending with my son normally whimpering as I make him put each piece into his train box. The bedtime fights, the bath-time fights, the nap-time fights. The relief when he finally goes to sleep. Then the moment his dad picks him up, I am sad, counting down the moments till he’s back.

I had a mom the other day tell me how it must be nice knowing that I get a few days to myself. Funny there was a point when I thought that it would be nice too. Now I know the reality, it’s nice for about 2 or 3 hours then it sucks. I know your likely thinking “if this is so hard then why not work it out with your almost-ex”. That ones tricky. He is a good guy however we don't work. I wish we could have worked as no-one gets married, has a baby and buys a house hoping to get divorced but once all that happened we changed. We 180’d in opposite directions and became people who did not get along. Our only common ground was our son as we both love him with everything we have but that was it. And unfortunately that wasn’t enough to make us happy, and all of us (my almost-ex, my son and I) all deserve to be happy and living in a happy household. I was not going to have my son grow up in a situation where we stayed together because of him but be surrounded by tension and anger and parents who didn’t speak.

So here I am blogging away only 27 hours left to go!

Adulthood

They always just say its hard.

How you wish you were still a little girl with next to no worries in comparison to the things you worry about now. With each stage of life comes a new set of worries, a new set of decisions. You make these decisions with a new set of players. You follow your heart, make decisions that are right for you.

Then you have kids, or one kid in my case. A whoops, an accident or as its been stated something that was my fault. And everything changes again. The thought of anything harming that child, of anything happening to that child, of anything coming between you and that child is unimaginable. The force is so strong that you are even willing to give up what you believe in the moment to be true happiness in order not take the chance of losing them. You have to stop following your heart, start thinking things through. Thinking not only of how it will affect you and your partner but most importantly your child. You have to weigh all the options and sometimes the option that you would have chosen in the past and even the option that your heart is set on is not the one you can choose. The players have changed and you no longer make the rules.

They always just say its hard, they never say how hard.